one good thing about mondays in quarantine, is that they don't feel any different than any other day. small gratitudes, right? today, on a monday, i was superwoman. before 10am, we had a grocery delivery, theo and i walked nearly 5km, we had breakfast and coffee, i showered and blow dried my hair, and nailed the frames on 6 signs for my new spring collection. we went to the conservation area for a hike in the afternoon, and oh, did we have fun!
it's worth sharing, and i feel great about my day today. but that's not the whole story.. and don't let this fool you into thinking i have my life together. this was just a great morning, very much in contrast with how i spent most of my weekend: on the bathroom floor, crying.. in bed, crying.. working while crying, wearing the same sweatpants literally 3 days in a row, telling mike how things feel hopeless, eating a mix of the healthy food and pure trash to balance it out and watching way too much netflix, all with paralyzing anxiety that i'm not a good mom or a good wife, or somehow even a good person.
mike and i had a really hard week last week, making a really difficult decision for our family, and this weekend was a culmination of lockdown frustration, loss and sadness, and lack of optimism about the future.
those are not the moments we post on instagram though, right? those aren't the moments we want to tell anyone about, because they feel shameful somehow. instead, we post and tell people about the superwoman moments, and we should, of course, because they are amazing to capture. but they're not the whole story. and i think that's motherhood, entrepreneurship, and marriage in a nutshell. the whole story, if we acknowledge it, is messy, and complicated, and beautiful, and hard, and a dream and a punch in the face, all at once.
i've been thinking a lot lately about how this blog is being received. i am a people-pleaser, without trying to be, i just am, and so i've spent time thinking about what my clients think, what my family and friends think, what random people reading this on the internet think, and somehow, even though it's supposed to be simply a digital documentation of my journey as a wife, business owner, and mom, and a way for me to process my own feelings...it's supposed to somehow be more than that.
feelings of shame have left 4 or 5 new posts in DRAFT status, awaiting some kind of miracle words that will allow me to feel confident in writing about some hard things without judgement. cause that's the thing with women, with business owners, with moms... they should always do more, BE MORE, usually for other people's benefit. and that boxing ring of limitations has contained me more times than i feel comfortable sharing in the last few days.
there's a quote that spoke to me from instagram from @drbeckyathome and it's my new mantra. i can't remember if its here already on the blog in a prior post, but it's "this feels hard because it is hard, not because i'm doing something wrong". this phrase is in multiple reminders on my phone every day, it's on the cover of my notebook, and my screensaver. it's the only way i can go from a weekend of anxiety and sadness, to a monday being superwoman. and here's the thing...i'm not superwoman, and i am, all at once. hard things, are just hard, and not because they are the wrong decision, and not because i failed, but just because they are hard. because human is hard. emotion is hard. survival is hard. thriving is very hard.
thankfully, i have a supportive husband, my childhood best friend who is also my only adult quarantine buddy, helping me get through these hard feelings, and weekends of lots of tears, of which this past year, between covid, and new mom life, and hormones, there have been many. and i'm confident that even though there are more hard days ahead, i will survive them, with tears, and junk, and dirty sweatpants. i will keep being there for my baby the best way i can, and i will survive, because hard things ARE HARD, and sometimes i am doing something wrong, but most of the time, i'm just doing my best, and that has to be good enough.
if you are here, or are reading this blog to look for some kind of superwoman, i'll only be that person some of the time, the other times will be real, raw, human struggle that exists in my world.